Today I woke up and decided I was not going to nurse anymore.
It is something that has been playing on my mind a lot lately. I prayed that the answer would come to me. That my baby would just suddenly stop or start refusing it. But it never happened.
And when I laid in bed this morning I finally made the decision.
I didn’t know yesterday morning as I picked him up from his crib and nursed in our spot.
I didn’t know yesterday when we celebrated our wonderful Easter together.
And I didn’t know last night as I nursed him one last time before bed.
But I knew it was right.
I have dreaded this day for quite some time now but more than that I had dreaded knowing that any time could be my last nursing session. I knew I would sob or tears would slowly fall down my face as I stared into your little eyes. I dreaded the heartbreak and the feeling of letting you down. I dreaded having to end our last nursing session knowing it was our last. I dreaded that one last time.
But that didn’t happen… because I didn’t know it was my last time.
Instead, I rocked you and sang our song as your exhausted little eyes started to take longer blinks. I held you close and I told you I loved you as I laid you to sleep.
And I never had to know it would be my last time.
Asher has been uninterested ever since he started sleeping through the night. We went from nursing 10-15 times a night at one year to not even once. He just stopped and so did my milk. Every day I would nurse what I could and give him pumped milk to fill the rest of his tummy. I knew he wasn’t getting much but I was prolonging it as long as I could. Maybe even secretly hoping that I would magically get more milk and we could resume our normal routine as we once did.
If I pumped I would get less than an ounce total so I stopped pumping at work. I would skip it completely and never even feel full or uncomfortable. I knew it was no longer about him. I knew it was no longer about giving into what he needed or wanted. I knew it was about me.
I just couldn’t let go.
I couldn’t let go of the struggles we overcame to fulfill this 16-month journey, the times I felt like we would never make it. That my dream was an impossible dream. I couldn’t let go of the tears I cried or the joy I felt when I finally felt comfortable. I couldn’t let go of my personal goal of two years.
Above all, I couldn’t let go that you are no longer a baby.
He never even noticed this morning as he went about his day playing with his new things and sipping his mama milk from his cup, but I did.
I’ll always be thankful that I was able to have taken this journey with you. I’ll cherish every moment. And as you grow into the little boy you are becoming I’ll thank God for allowing me to have those memories with me forever. 💙
XOXO, Karlene
