It hit me like a freight train in the middle of the night. I was screaming at the top of my lungs and felt like I was on the verge of toppling over. I had this strong desire to literally hit something or myself.
Just minutes before I was perfectly content, relaxing with my baby asleep next to me. The anger came on so suddenly, so intensely that once it subsided as quickly as it came on I was left exhausted, drained, and terrified. What just happened?
This wasn’t the first time and I am sure there will be more. Postpartum anger is not spoken of and in the midst of a “fit”, it can be absolutely terrifying.
From the moment I told my family I was pregnant, they started talking to me about postpartum depression. I felt confident in the signs to look for and the feelings to watch out for. I was nervous but with no history of depression, I was confident that my post-birth story would be full of happiness and baby giggles.
So when my husband walked into the room just as I finally managed to get Asher to sleep and woke him up, I screamed so loudly I am sure I too woke the neighbors baby up, depression is not what I suspected. I gently (ok maybe abruptly) handed the baby over to my husband and stormed into our bedroom crying.
The outbreak threw me off and they were coming more and more frequently. I frantically searched the internet for an answer. Every sign of postpartum depression was listed as sadness, feeling of emptiness, and confusion. I didn’t have any of that. I was happy, the happiest I have ever been. I loved my husband and my new baby more than anything in this world. So where was this anger coming from?
Months went by.
The outbreaks started coming fewer and far between. I almost forgot about them until one night. It was three in the morning. My baby had been awake for almost four hours. I was attempting to nurse him for the hundredth time to get him to settle with no luck. I could feel the build up. I had to stand up to try and control it and then Asher sat up in bed and I lost it.
I yelled until I had nothing left. I fell to the ground and I looked up and Asher giggled and then did his little playful scream and laughed some more. My heart sunk to what felt like the floor. My baby was older now, more observant, a little sponge. What was he learning from me?
That was the last night I coslept with my baby boy.
My husband began sleeping next to him in his big boy bed. He began waking less and less as he knew dad would be the one to greet him instead of mom. Shortly after he made the switch to the crib where he has slept twelve hours straight without shedding a tear.
It wasn’t until I was scrolling Facebook one day when I came across an article with the words Postpartum Anger staring boldly back at me. I was in disbelief as I opened it up and read word for word the feelings that had boiled in me. What I had searched for for months with no answer.
I wasn’t alone.
When you picture a new mom with her fresh baby the last thing you associate with it is anger. Sadness, loss of identity, but not rage.
I was ashamed in these feelings, embarrassed and confused but reading that there were others out there changed my outlook.
Postpartum Anger should be spoken of more often. When I shared the article many people reached out stating they too felt these feelings yet no one would admittedly say these things.
Without knowledge how does one begin healing?
I still work through these feelings. Maybe it’s less postpartum and more exhaustion and lack of patience but knowing it’s normal comforts me. I acknowledge my feelings, I let myself feel them but then I ground myself to get passed them.
Motherhood isn’t perfection. It’s not all baby belly raspberries and abundant little giggles although those are the memories I’ll choose to remember. There is sadness, there are feelings of loss and confusion.
And there is anger.
Even typing those words feels uncomfortable. But knowledge is power and just like my family prepared me for what to look for with postpartum depression, I too will speak of this unspoken of possibility.
There will be happiness, so much happiness but it’s ok if you feel sadness and anger. You are allowed these feelings. All you can do is take that deep breath.
And breathe through it.
Feeling alone? Sad? Talk to a friend or a family member! Your feelings are valid and should be heard. As always feel free to message me if you have questions or just want to chat! I love to hear from you đŸ’œ
XO, Karlene
I felt this 100%. Being a full time working Mom with my Son in daycare is so hard. He doesn’t nap well at school, so when I come home from work at 6pm he is just a mess. He’s so tired and fussy. yet when it came to bedtime he resisted and would wake often. It wasn’t until 6 months old that we tired putting him on his stomach and has slept much better since. I rock him to sleep and put him to be myself every night. After a long days work and not getting to eat because I go literally from one job to another, I don’t have time to make dinner let alone have time to eat. So, I tired and hungry and as much I love my Son and miss him all day… all I really want is to put him to bed easily and have some alone time and eat. When he resists and fights sleep I become furious. Bitter. Angry and full of rage. Therapy has helped me a lot. And he has been sleeping better so that is helping too. But, dang. I know all about the anger and resentment. It’s not all “depression” as the title it. Having a babe who doesn’t like feels like it’s killing you slowly. Sleep deprivation is a real thing. Thank you for sharing. We love our babies but it is far from Sunshine and roses all the time.