I raced across the landing and into your nursery giggling and landing on top of a mound of stuffed animals. You were close behind arms stretched forward, running as fast as your new little walking legs would take you. Your giggle echoed even louder and your screech of laughter followed every one of mine. You landed right on top of me and attempted to “tickle” me the way I always tickled you. I pretended to scream in tickly agony and you laughed even louder.
You quickly are distracted as you hear the television in the other room start 
your favorite show. You walk away as I lay in the pile of lions, bunnies, and giraffes. I watch you as your little diaper butt waddles back and forth distracted.
At that moment my whole body is overcome with this little butterfly feeling of happiness. You know the one that your high school crush would give you when he slipped you a smile or the moment your now husband gave you when he took your hand for the first time. I always thought I would never feel that again until I had you.
The bouncing butterflies subside and as I lay in this comfy mound of animals my thoughts quickly fast forward to the days that you’ll no longer chase me and try to tickle me. When you’ll stop giving me open mouth kisses and hug me out of nowhere. When instead of stuffed animals, ball pits, and books your time is consumed with television, video games, and girlfriends.
I get a pit in my stomach.
What was just butterflies dancing in my tummy is now a rock sitting in the pit of it and I can feel the tears welling in the corner of my eyes.
Yet your little diaper butt is right across the hall standing three inches away from the tv screen dancing to Sesame Street.
I miss you and these moments and they’re not even gone yet.
This week out of literally nowhere you decided you wanted to sleep in your crib. Not only that, but you decided you wanted to sleep 12-13 hours straight every night since. My new found freedom is freeing, liberating, and absolutely amazing as I find myself getting two hours a day to be me.
I get to watch my shows and eat food in bed without you crying for some and clawing at my fork. I get to have adult conversations and best of all I get to stay up late because I know I am not going to be woken up 5-10 times a night.
Yet, when I crawl into my queen size bed that I haven’t slept in for over a year I can’t help but miss the warmth of your little body close by or seeing your chest rise and fall with the glow of the moon across your face.
Last week I didn’t even realize that it would be the very last time I slept with you…
…and It was.
I already miss you being this little and you’re not even grown yet.
I already miss the way you look when your little smile peeks from behind your pacifier.
I already miss the way you run and plop headfirst into your little ball pit.
I already miss the way your eyes dart back and forth as they slowly go from awake to asleep.
I already miss the excitement you get when you flush the toilet forty times or when you throw the ball for the dog.
I already miss you asking me to read Jimmy Fallon’s DADA book again and again and again.
I already miss you being this little… and you’re still this little.
Motherhood is the strangest thing. It’s filled with the desire to get through the tough times and it’s filled with the sadness that you’ll never deal with those tough times again.
It’s the excitement of watching your baby learn something new but then
knowing they’ll never need your help to do it again.
It’s having them right in front of you giggling in your face but missing that exact giggle because you know that in a few years it will be an older, different giggle.
Motherhood is filled with wanting to freeze time and fast forward it all on
the same day.
My thoughts are disrupted as your song and tv has ended and you remembered I was piled high in stuffed animals in your room. You come running back with that huge grin and screeching giggle. You trip over nothing as you land on top of me trying to tickle me again. I forget everything as I start to tickle you back.
I already miss you this little but I’ll try to relish in its beauty every second that I can while you’re still this little.💙
XO, Karlene
