From early on I realized: Don’t ask a new mom if their baby is sleeping. More than likely it’s never enough and even when my newborn baby was sleeping (was) their surprised reaction when I told them was more than my new mom brain could handle.
In all reality, my baby used to sleep. He would wake up once through the night, nurse, and then fall right back to sleep. I wasn’t expecting to have it so good and when people asked I told them I’m sure it could change at any moment.
Boy did it change!
Once he hit five or six months he began waking almost every other hour, sometimes refusing to ever even go back to sleep. He would toss and turn all night and started nursing two, three times through the night at nine months old. I was losing my mind and off the charts exhausted. I tried letting him cry just one night and lasted 15 minutes. I knew this wasn’t for me.
But I knew I needed to do something.
A friend reached out with a new method that seemed to be working for her. You lay the baby in the crib, they will cry but you never leave their side. I thought, “I could do that”! So here we are embarking on what the world likes to call sleep training.
I hate the term. I hate it so much because it makes zero sense. A baby doesn’t need to learn how to sleep. A baby needs to understand that you will come back if they are sleeping alone. A baby needs to know that you’re still there for comfort even if you aren’t right next to them. A baby doesn’t need to be trained on how to sleep. It’s one of the basic instincts of life.
But so you understand what’s going on here, we’re now sleep training.
And I immediately regret committing to starting this. Regardless if I am in the room or not, if the method is more gentle, or even if I could back out, I was anxious.
Night one:
I broke down the plan to Brett. I told him we would start the next day since we’d both be off the following morning. He texted me saying screw it, I’ll start tonight while you’re working so you don’t have to be there. MY HERO.
I was anxious all evening at work as the clock approached bedtime. I knew this wasn’t going to be easy and I already had this sinking guilty feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Brett texted me at work that Asher was in the bath. I could tell through his texts that he was nervous as well. He was putting off bedtime. Finally, he took him out and did our normal routine: lather with lotion, spike baby’s hair, put on his sleeper, and give him his sippy. Then into the crib he went wide awake.
Now we do EVERYTHING you aren’t supposed to. We normally rock Asher to sleep until he’s out cold and then place him in his snuggly little DockATot next to our bed. So the fact that we decided to not only cut out the comfort of our room, the DockATot, AND putting him awake in his crib may have been overkill but I thought it’s all or nothing!
Back to the sleep training… I was watching from my monitor app on my phone and 
could see that he was in the crib. I didn’t have the sound on but I could tell he wasn’t happy. I watched anxiously as Brett continuously comforted him with a hand placement or sometimes picking him up only to quickly set him back down. I finally turned on the volume and the sobs filled the room. I shut off the monitor. I couldn’t watch.
When I got home I found both Brett and Asher on the family room couch. Both of them were passed out snuggled up. When I asked Brett what happened he said that after an hour of crying he too couldn’t handle it. He was shaken up.
Night two:
I was home this time. I felt ready. When I approached Brett with the game plan he got upset. Brett NEVER gets mad. He snapped, “this will never work! He cried over an hour last night, he’ll do the same”. I was at my breaking point. With zero sleep and being the sole night caregiver I knew I needed this. I was feeling confident and ready.
We did the usual routine. As I dressed him he started to cry. My mind started racing as I convinced myself he remembered what had happened the night before. I tried comforting him. Since I was home I was able to nurse him before bed which I know he prefers. He stopped crying. When he was dressed and ready we put him into his crib awake and we both stood side by side with our backs against the crib.
Immediately the tears started again. He cried as we both alternated comforting him. Brett frustrated, says “he won’t stop crying if its anything like last night”! After fifteen minutes though, he did… He rolled around and sat up. He chatted to himself and poked us through the crib railings. He pulled himself up into a standing position and inspected every inch of the crib. Over an hour we stood there while he played. Our backs hurt and we were exhausted but relieved there weren’t tears.
We knew he had to be exhausted and after he was done playing the fussing started again. After fifteen minutes of fussing and a little crying he finally rolled over and after a few last words he chatted to himself and he fell asleep.
Brett and I looked at each other in disbelief. Then we slowly crawled out of the room.
He slept for 50 minutes and then he woke up. It took fifteen minutes of comforting and then he fell back asleep for 45 minutes. Then he woke up and wouldn’t fall back to sleep. He woke up every 5-10 minutes for two hours. Finally, I grabbed a pillow and blanket and fell asleep next to him on the floor and then he too slept.
*The next day he was exhausted. He was abnormally quiet and lethargic. My brain was playing tricks on me thinking he was remembering what happened the night before. My anxiety was worse now as I dreaded the next night.
Night Three:
We started our normal routine as usual. As I laid him down to dress him he immediately started screaming. He sobbed uncontrollably until I picked him up and held him. I nursed him and he calmed down. Then I put him in the crib awake.
No tears. He immediately perks up and starts playing. Once again he rolled around and chatted. He poked us through the railing and tried pulling our shirts. After an hour and a half, he fell asleep exhausted. This time he only slept for 40 minutes but it only 
took 5 minutes to get him back to sleep. After this went on for two hours I again nursed him at 11 then went to bed while Brett took over.
I woke up from a daze around 1 am to crying. I ran across the house and up the stairs and found Brett asleep on the floor next to the crib and Asher wide awake crying. I comforted him and woke Brett and I went back to sleep since I had to be up in a few hours for work.
Nothing worked this time. He wouldn’t sleep and everyone was exhausted. My mind kept telling myself it’s my fault. I felt so guilty as I thought of my poor, confused baby.
The next morning at work I was a zombie. I could barely think as my mind replayed the previous nights. I wanted someone to tell me what I was supposed to do. What was the right answer? How was I, the person who had never even held a baby until a few months ago, supposed to know what to do? I always told myself I would put my baby in the crib right away and that I wouldn’t do this or that but when it came time to do it with my actual baby it all went down differently. What I didn’t realize is that the person I was before having my baby would not be the same person after…
In between classes a few of my clients were talking and they asked me what was up. When I told them why I was so exhausted they each had their own opinions. They believed in letting the baby cry and said I needed to suck it up.
Then one of them looked at me and while she was trying to justify her personal opinion, she said the most powerful words I was almost waiting to hear:
With motherhood,
you have to do what is best for the baby,
not what’s best for you.
I looked up and it was like the answer to everything I was looking for. I said, “I don’t think what I am doing is actually what’s best for the baby”. All it took was one statement to make me think. I’m doing it so that I can sleep better. So I can sleep in my own bed. So I won’t be woken by every toss and turn he does through the night next to me. What’s best for my baby isn’t to cry himself to an exhausted sleep. What’s best for my baby isn’t to have him lay there wondering why his mama is no longer holding him. What’s best for my baby is to know he’s safe, comforted, and in the arms of his mom.
Everyone has their own beliefs. You may be reading this and think you are so wrong. But that’s the beauty of motherhood, no one is right.
Night four:
That night I went through our normal bedtime routine. I bathed him then laid him down as I dressed him. He screamed again as he began to panic that maybe I was again going to leave him alone. But this night I picked him back up and I held him. I nursed him and then quietly rocked him as he drifted off to sleep.
I rocked him a little longer that night as I could feel my eyes beginning to water. I cried with happiness. This is what felt right for us. I let go of what I was supposed to do. I let go of what dreams and plans I had envisioned during my pregnancy. I let go of what others expectations of me were and what my expectations of myself were.
But I won’t let go of my baby.
