It’s Just Me and You.

Since becoming a mom, I’ve found myself alone quite a bit. Alone in a car nursing, alone while rocking the baby to sleep in a back room, or alone as I leave events early because it’s bedtime. As I am writing this I am alone at a family BBQ while I rock my baby to sleep for his nap. I can hear the laughter echoing from the other room and for a second I feel as if I’m missing out.

My baby was born the day before Christmas Eve. It was perfect timing because we were able to come home on Christmas Eve and celebrate the holidays with my side of the family instead of being stuck in the hospital or miserably pregnant. Instead of passing on the holidays this year we decided to move the party to my house and have everyone bring food. It was a wonderful way to show off my new baby and enjoy the night with family.

I quickly noticed though that I was “missing out”.  Motherhood isn’t an I’ll get to it in a second kind of thing (even if my husband likes to think so). Your baby doesn’t care what you have going on, where you’re at, or if you haven’t eaten in eight hours, they need what they need when they need it.

On Christmas day we went to my husband’s side of the family. They live a mile away so we ventured out to my sister in laws house with a two-day old baby. We were still struggling with nursing and as a fresh new baby, he was eating every hour for sometimes close to an hour. We were both still learning not only how to breastfeed, but learning about each other.

Regardless, I knew I would have to figure it out if I was at home alone or celebrating the holidays with family so I tried to go about the night as we normally would. We started our yearly gift giving game. It’s essentially a White Elephant game but we do it our own way. We sit in a circle and everyone takes a card. You have to remember your card and when it’s drawn you get to choose a gift or you can steal someone else’s gift. We never laugh so hard as when we play this game and its some of my fondest holiday memories.

We started the game and in just a few minutes he needed to eat. I went up to a bedroom and attempted to nurse. He cried and cried and refused to latch. Minutes went by as I could hear the laughter echoing in the room. Minutes turned to an hour and I started to cry as I realized I missed the entire night. The game was over and they were still laughing at the jokes that were made and the goofy gifts that were given.

I was disappointed and felt left out.

There were so many occasions where I “missed out” and there will be so many more. Motherhood is like a club that you gain access to immediately upon birth. So many supportive, understanding woman to surround you and make you feel like you’re on a team to get through the good and the bad together, but sometimes when you look up from your nursing or sleeping baby and look around at an empty room the loneliness can creep in.

But while these moments force me to  “miss out”, they also force me to stop and slow down. There are not many things in life that force you to step back, take a seat, and be still.

They force me to forget the rest of the world.

They force me to be in the moment.

They force me to remember that you won’t always be this little.

and above all, they allow me to sit in silence, just me and you and let time pass us by because these moments won’t be here for long and you’ll never need me more than you do right now. So today, while I rock you in my arms alone in the back room I don’t feel so lonely, because while I’m “missing out” I am creating cherished memories that I will hold with me for a lifetime.

I would “miss out” with you any day, any time, for the rest of my life.