It’s World Breastfeeding Week! Breastfeeding has literally changed my life along with all the other craziness of motherhood. We all know that breastfeeding is a struggle but once mastered it can be one of the greatest blessings. Here’s my story:

Throughout my pregnancy, many people would ask if I planned to nurse my baby when he or she arrived and my answer was always I’m gonna try! I knew that many women are unable to nurse for various reasons so I didn’t want to get my hopes up or be let down if it wasn’t meant to be.

Fast forward to December 23, 2017, my sweet baby boy entered this world! They set my baby on my bare chest as we both looked at each other in complete awe. He didn’t cry but just looked back into my eyes. How I wish I could freeze that moment in time to relive it over and over again. The moment I became a mother.

We laid there for what felt like forever. We had asked for privacy just the three of us before we allowed family members to come in. I had heard that you wanted to nurse immediately to establish a good relationship but no one had offered help. I didn’t have a clue how to even begin. I had heard so many people tell me that immediately upon delivery a lactation nurse would come and force the mothers to attempt but no one came. I finally asked and there was not one working at the time so I asked the nurse to help me. I felt very much lost but I kept trying.

Now I don’t know if it was working or if he was even eating but they said to just keep trying. I feel like those moments are lost from my memory because I can’t even bring up emotions of how it felt to nurse my baby for the first time. The few days after birth are such a whirlwind.

We came home on Christmas Eve and I felt like I spent the entire holidays alone nursing my new baby. When Christmas was over we had our first doctors visit and unlike most babies, Asher had gained a few ounces! It was working! I made mention to my pediatrician that I couldn’t get him in his bassinet because he would begin screaming every time I put him down and she recommended I try a pacifier. I told her I was nursing and feared nipple confusion and she said that wasn’t true. We were so excited and thought for sure we could get him to finally sleep! Like any new parent desperate for sleep, we immediately went and bought a pacifier and gave it to him. He took to it immediately and loved it!

Then it was time to nurse him.

The very first feeding after he tried the pacifier was like he had never nursed a day in his life. My baby screamed under me like I was making him do something horrific. He tossed and turned and refused to be near me.

I was beside myself. I gave him a break and waited a little while and tried again. The same thing happened. My baby was refusing to eat. I didn’t know what to do. How could everything have been going so perfectly until now? I immediately blamed my selfishness for wanting to sleep and cried.

The next three days were the hardest days of my entire life. I screamed in frustration, I cried until I couldn’t breathe, I was desperate and defeated. My poor husband told me it was ok, to just give him a bottle and I knew if I did it would be game over and I would never get the opportunity to breastfeed.

I was overtaken with guilt. Guilt that I wouldn’t give my new baby a bottle to satisfy him. Guilt that I was so determined to nurse that I wouldn’t give up. Guilt that I felt like I was starving my baby…

We had to resort to syringe feeding. I wasn’t ready to throw in the towel. We went back into the pediatrician’s office and he had only gained four ounces in ten days, unlike the recommended ounce a day. My pediatrician told me to supplement him. I was never against formula. Like I told so many people, I was just going to “try” but now I was adamant. I was doing this and I made it too far. So I refused and kept trying.

Now here is where I give my husband one hundred percent credit. He is the “problem solver” the one that likes to fix things and he couldn’t handle that he was unable to help me during this time. He must have done some serious googling because he came home from the store with some strange contraption (I know now it’s a nipple shield) and to my amazement, it worked!

I cried in happiness. I couldn’t believe it but I was finally able to nurse my sweet boy again.

Since that day we had our struggles. My supply was very low from poor nursing early on, but we kept moving along. Asher started gaining weight and besides the constant feedings and new mommy frustrations, we got through it.

But I felt like a fake. I wanted to nurse my baby like we women were meant to. Why did I need some plastic piece to allow my body to work? With time and the same dedication after four months, I was able to wean him from the nipple shield.

We are now seven months into our breastfeeding journey. There’s always a new struggle, such as my current distracted baby who wants to eat anything but his mama’s milk but we are making it work.

My breastfeeding story is our story. I am grateful for this journey because it taught me so much about myself, about my baby, and about the mother I am. I feel blessed that I was able to get through this and that I am capable of nursing my baby.

Every mama has her battles regardless of how you choose to feed your baby. Mama, if you are struggling with a motherhood battle (because we all are) Know that:

You are not alone.

You can do this.

You are amazing.

You are trying.

You are doing your best.

I said I was going to try, boy, did I try 💙

As always, if you have any questions or just want to vent about your mama struggles, feel free to contact me!

xoxo, Karlene