The Truth About Mom Guilt.

I was trapped. Trapped in my own mind of what a mother was supposed to be. I had a vision of myself in my pre-pregnancy jeans (that I never even wore comfortably pre-pregnancy) carrying around my cute, effortlessly light car seat with a striped car seat cover and matching diaper bag. I’d be grocery shopping, mall walking, park going, and dinner making super mom. Oh and this all was supposed to happen in the first month. Instead, I was denting in the corner of my couch, tied to a baby and a pump covered in breast milk stains and no bra. I couldn’t even take a shower nevertheless leave the house.

Then the time came, I couldn’t last another second, I NEEDED to go to Target and there was absolutely no way I could make the adventure with a baby. Being a new breastfeeding mama, I got severe anxiety taking the baby out in public. I was so afraid that he would cry and want to eat and I’d have to leave. The idea of feeding in public seemed impossible and I needed to get out so I told my husband I was leaving the baby and going to the store. He responded with “ok babe” and my mind started to race… What is he insinuating? He thinks I should stay home doesn’t he? And what do you mean you’re going to leave your baby with his father. Who does that!? I am supposed to be able to do it all and that means you take the baby or you don’t go. So I responded with “Fine! I won’t leave if you’re gonna be like that”.

This happened every single time I felt the need to go anywhere alone. I was supposed to be the one to take care of my baby, I was supposed to be that independent, carefree mom that didn’t need help from anyone, including my husband. I was supposed to do it all.

The pressure and anxiety built up. I wouldn’t leave the house for days. Amazon Prime became my new best friend and the resentment and tension between me and my husband just continued to increase. I had no one to blame my anxiety on but my poor husband. I started to believe in my head that he expected me to stay home and that he was upset whenever I would mention leaving.

Motherhood brings on a handful of emotions that are new to a woman. I never imagined the love, pride, confusion, and frustration it could possibly bring. But above all of that, what I never saw coming was the pressure to be perfect and this little thing called “Mom guilt”. The guilt would overcome me every time I wanted to go somewhere without the baby beside work.

Being a gym owner, I get the luxury of working only 20-25 hours per week. This is a perfect schedule that allows me a few hours a week to get out and talk to adults, while also getting the chance to work out “guilt-free”. The thing is, once I would get home I felt like that was my time and now I must spend every other moment being a mother. The problem is even though my job is awesome and it doesn’t feel much like work, it is and I needed time to myself outside of the gym.

Since I am in the fitness industry, I would hear woman all the time say I wish I could do what you do or I wish I could go to the gym and my mind would immediately go to “you make time for what is important to you”. Everyone has one hour in a day to workout. What I didn’t realize is that this one hour in a day happened to be after the twelve hours my husband worked and the guilt would overcome me.

As the days passed and I slowly got the hang of this little thing called motherhood, I came to accept that it truly does take a village. I began voicing my feelings to my husband. Explaining how I felt allowed him to understand where this anger and resentment was stemming from and also made him choose his words wisely when responding 😉 My feelings of mom guilt are never completely gone, its a work in progress! But I try to remind myself that you can try and do it all and spread your self thin or you can let those who love your child (and you) help. A stressed, overworked, exhausted mama is not helping anyone.

So use that one hour to go to the gym or better yet go to Target or if you want to spend it just holding your baby as the laundry and dishes pile up do that because mama that one hour is yours and you earned it!